Attachment

Not really about this post, but an image from another walk with daddy - Dear Alex was absolutely fascinated by the YELLOW! sidewalk, and couldn't stop walking over it, back and forth - we were in no hurry, so we got to hang out and talk about YELLOW!

As I mentioned in a post before, I got to spend a little time away from Dear Alex on Sunday - four hours off from solo dad responsibility. It was a little odd, the unexpected silence - the deadness I felt almost immediately on walking into our empty apartment. An hour earlier I couldn't wait to hand her off for some downtime, but all of the sudden it hit me how weirdly attached and accustomed I'd become to the company and responsibility of the kid. I really didn't know what to do with myself. I was lonely, and honestly couldn't focus on what exactly it was that I had wanted to do. I set to planning some errands for us to fill the times that we'd have together after work and before bedtime - walks to take and things to buy to entertain her and get her out in the world and ask me questions and show me things from her always fascinating point of view.
I went to work today and had the chance in between actually working to think about that a bit, and I missed her today - and I wonder where in the scheme of things I fit in Dear Alex's world, and how she thinks about Beautiful Wife and daddy and our respective presences and absences in her life - after our weekend spent mostly together, I went and disappeared for the day today, yet she accepted me tonight with open arms and a hug and a kiss. In a way it's not so fair - I get an hour or so in the morning and a little more than two hours at night to spend with the kid. Dear nanny J gets all day. The mornings are the best, the quiet dark room and Dear Alex's sleepy-sweaty head coming up over the edge of the crib for a hug and a lift to the changing table and a cup of milk. It's a reassurance, and a routine that feels like a very complete act of fulfilling the responsibility of taking care. It's something concrete to change a diaper and give a hug and provide nourishment. There, I did that. The other stuff (and what's on my mind) is a lot harder - am I present enough, does she feel the love - does Dear Alex know how much love BW and I have for her and that mommy would be here if she could? Does she feel the closeness and our wishes for the best for her? Probably not, most likely she's not really thought about it at all, but you can never tell.
We had a nice adventure tonight, a walk to the grand post office to ride the escalator and mail a letter, then a walk to the local Home Depot to ride the escalators and get a few little things - but it was mostly for the walk, and specifically, the walk with daddy which she's been doing all her life - When all else fails, we go for a walk - and we're both happier for it.
Dear Alex misses Beautiful Wife, and so do I. Any distraction these days is a welcome one, and any chance to give the kid something positive and concrete to remember beyond missing mommy is a comfort to both of us.